Friday, May 24, 2013

Eclipse of Crazy

Since my last exam was finished a month ago, I have been experiencing a performance identity crisis. This is due in part to completing my first year of jazz studies. Considering I have been making music most of my life, I felt a sense of desperation. I had thought that after a year of studying jazz, I would feel like more of a jazz musician. Instead, I feel like less of a jazz musician and more in a state of musical limbo than ever.

The only things I know with certainty are that I love to sing and make music, create shows and help others learn to express themselves through their art.

Since the final days of school, I have been feeling uninspired. Deflated. Uncertain of what to tackle over the summer. This is the opposite of what I had hoped school would stimulate.

Me and Anita
Thankfully, my journey thus far has been blessed with many quality friends. Usually, I know within the first good conversation if this will be a good friendship. I have learned over my 40 years of friend-making to weed out the fakes and recognize a kindred spirit almost immediately.

In fact, all of my dearest friends are quite off their rockers! And yes, I know what this says about me. I've come to a position of embracing my craziness. I have earned it.

But when that craziness fills me with self-doubt, this is not the kind of crazy I embrace.

Me & Maureen
Through conversations with these beloved friends, with my life parter Carter, who is also a performer, and with my dear daughter who is one of the most grounded people I know, my feet found the earth again. And what I called it was an "eclipse of crazy". The craziness of them casts a shadow over the craziness of me and as our hearts and minds connect on equal ground, all appears normal, grounded and peaceful.

From that thought, I new song has sprung from my soul. I look forward to finishing the song and sharing it with you.